To Be or Non-Monogamy...

it's time to address this once and for all!

I’ve come out twice in my life. First as gay, then as non-binary. You’d think I’d be an expert at it by now, and maybe to some degree I am. In 2020 when I suddenly became more visible on social media and in the press, navigating questions and comments from followers, media, and trolls—my therapist impressed upon me that there’s a difference between “privacy” and “secrecy”.

When I was reckoning with my homosexuality, it was steeped in secrecy. I was in college sleeping with boys–well actually one boy, and if you’ve read my book, you know we call him “Pink Soap”.  (If you haven’t read the book, I promise you he earned that nickname!)

Our love affair was not “private.” Private would imply that there was a choice being made. That we were comfortable with what we were doing, but perhaps protecting it. Protecting each other, intentionally. Secret implied there were stakes. And there were. Stakes around our acceptance, our belonging, and our safety. There was also shame rooted from homophobia that had been internalized.  

In 2020, when I realized I was non-binary, at first I feared that the acceptance and belonging I had finally found from my various communities would be compromised. But once I told my husband, and saw how fine he was with it, my fear subsided. That said, I didn’t feel the need to tell anyone else. I wanted time to explore. To reckon. To see if this label actually fit. I wanted to do that without the opinions of others. Without the judgment–intentional or unconscious—of others. My identity was in transition, and deserved privacy as the new version of it was emerging. I recognized it was fragile. I was fragile.

Becoming non-monogamous was also fragile. And it deserved even more privacy because it involved my feelings AND Matthew’s. There was more to navigate. More to process. It was messy. As you’ll learn, I don’t think messy is bad, it’s just another way to say “human”. I think messy is incredible. I think our expansion and transformations are inside the messy things we avoid. That said, not everyone gets to be involved in your messy. You have every right to keep your messy things private. You get to process, and, when you’re ready, if you so choose, you can share. 

In June (don’t ask what date cuz we can never agree) Matthew and I will be celebrating nine years together. We’ve been non-monogamous for six of those years. It has been a journey of learning, expansion, and healing. And now with six years of experience, many ups and downs but finally landing in a beautiful version of it in the last few years, I feel comfortable sharing. Not in an effort to convince you to be non-monogamous. If you know me, you know I don’t care how your relationship is set up. As long as you and your partner(s) are loved, respected, and safe–do you! But I talk about sex and relationships publicly, and share much of my experience, and it finally feels okay to share this part of it. Some of that has to do with culture shifts, most of it has to do with a boundary I have. I don’t process my feelings about anything on social media. I process with Matthew, my besties, and my therapist. Why? Baby, you know why! You been on social media. There’s a lot of noise out there. A lot of opinions slung around as facts. A lot of reward for being unkind. A lot of soundbites disconnected from context to fuel discord and produce more views, more likes, more “engagement.” I believe our lives are too fragile to allow our humanity to be stripped by a comments section. So I only share reflections of what I know is true for me, or things that I’m learning and am emotionally and mentally ready for dialogue around. 

With that said, non-monogamy is a big topic, and there are many elements to unpack.

I’ve been getting Messy Mondays submissions for the last three years asking if Matthew and I were in a non-monogamous relationship. So now that I’m coming out for a third time in my life, to say yes, we are, send me your questions. Don’t be shy! 

My approach here will be to do periodic entries that are dedicated to the topic, some of which will be influenced by your comments and questions, either here, or on Instagram. I’ll share what I know for those who are curious and for those who need community. As always, we can learn the rest, together. 

Making a mental note now to share some of the lessons I’ve learned from having a husband annnnd a boyfriend. Ouuweee honey! I’m excited to chat more!

Also, just in case you haven’t heard it yet today–you are so deeply loved! I love you.

BKG aka Messy Mother