I wanted to say thank you so much for a very timely article. I'm a 45 year old openly gay black man & I lost my mother at 18. My mother and I, at that point, had been estranged for almost 2 years. She and I were just getting back to being mom and son. My mother and I have gotten into a huge fight when I was 15, because I have 15 I thought I was 35. And when you're 15 going on 35 you think you can stand up to the one person that you just wanted to be and wanted to be like. My mother made raising two sons, who couldn't have been more different but more like because of her. That day I used a couple of let's just say adult words that looking back on it I know they should have never come out of my mouth but my mother being exactly what I wanted to be, and adult, stopped being a parent and became an adult. She told me to go to my room and wait. She came back in with garbage bags in hand, two or three if I recall & simply said, "If you can wear it, You can have it. Everything Else... Stays put. I'm making you an adult and if you're an adult then you DON'T have to live in your mother's house anymore!" I could say nothing as she turned to leave. "You have 10 minutes then downstairs and then out. Got it?" Obviously, that was rhetorical! Fast forward to me at 18, she & I speaking on the phone, then her coming to my apartment, even getting back into high school, to actually graduate, like my older brother. Less than 3 weeks after my 18th birthday, she's gone. At 21, I had to move to my grandmother's (her Mother btw; the OG) and I'm so grateful that I did. I learned a more complete history of my Mom, as a daughter, a person, a woman, & as a mother. I believe my Grandmother helped me become a full adult man. It's like she took over the maternal nuturing care that I had lost with my Mom. I'm proud to have been afforded this particular pathway in life. It's a unique way to grow into adulthood but I'm glad that it has been my Way! Again thank you for listening and thank you for sharing the sentiments of a multitude of people who are all part of the "Mommy's Grief Club" Thanks for listening and letting me share!
Oh angel, thank you so much for sharing this with me. I’m parked in my car, deeply exhaling, reading this beautiful reflection of your mother and grandmother. I’m so glad even after losing mommy, you were still protected and covered. The grief is painful, but it sounds like you were able to find and hold onto the deep irreplaceable unshakeable love. My heart is so full for you! Thank you again 💗
Reading your words today was like sitting across from someone who truly understands the ache. I’m in the Mother’s Grief Club too, though my path here is winding and complicated. I had a loving mother—warm, giving, devout—the mommy who called me her “sunshine boy” and saw in me something light and divine. I was one of seven in a deeply religious home, and for a long time, I believed her love for me was quietly special. But when I came out— and after years of trying to reshape myself to fit the faith we were raised in—something in our relationship shifted. She grieved as if I had died like her father and sister. And in a way, I think I started grieving too - grieving that my value to her was so connected to only the spiritual programming of her past 7 generations.
Now, with her Alzheimer’s diagnosis slowly rewriting her mind and memories, I’ve come to feel like I’ve lost her twice. And my father mourns not the loss of my body but the version of me that aligned with his eternal hopes. So when you wrote of that aching distance—of seeing yourself as a “stain” on the day, of craving a world where your mother knew you as her full self—I wept. Because I know that hunger. I know what it’s like to want so badly to be seen and embraced as you are, and to live in a world where a nickname, a scent, a memory, is more than just something slipping away.
Thank you for sharing your truth so openly. It helped me feel a little less alone.
Really beautiful, I’m not a member of the grief club yet but I know I’ll be in a dark hole when that day comes. Definitely going to save this piece of art you’ve made here for when I need a piece of comfort! ❤️Thank you!
I wanted to say thank you so much for a very timely article. I'm a 45 year old openly gay black man & I lost my mother at 18. My mother and I, at that point, had been estranged for almost 2 years. She and I were just getting back to being mom and son. My mother and I have gotten into a huge fight when I was 15, because I have 15 I thought I was 35. And when you're 15 going on 35 you think you can stand up to the one person that you just wanted to be and wanted to be like. My mother made raising two sons, who couldn't have been more different but more like because of her. That day I used a couple of let's just say adult words that looking back on it I know they should have never come out of my mouth but my mother being exactly what I wanted to be, and adult, stopped being a parent and became an adult. She told me to go to my room and wait. She came back in with garbage bags in hand, two or three if I recall & simply said, "If you can wear it, You can have it. Everything Else... Stays put. I'm making you an adult and if you're an adult then you DON'T have to live in your mother's house anymore!" I could say nothing as she turned to leave. "You have 10 minutes then downstairs and then out. Got it?" Obviously, that was rhetorical! Fast forward to me at 18, she & I speaking on the phone, then her coming to my apartment, even getting back into high school, to actually graduate, like my older brother. Less than 3 weeks after my 18th birthday, she's gone. At 21, I had to move to my grandmother's (her Mother btw; the OG) and I'm so grateful that I did. I learned a more complete history of my Mom, as a daughter, a person, a woman, & as a mother. I believe my Grandmother helped me become a full adult man. It's like she took over the maternal nuturing care that I had lost with my Mom. I'm proud to have been afforded this particular pathway in life. It's a unique way to grow into adulthood but I'm glad that it has been my Way! Again thank you for listening and thank you for sharing the sentiments of a multitude of people who are all part of the "Mommy's Grief Club" Thanks for listening and letting me share!
Oh angel, thank you so much for sharing this with me. I’m parked in my car, deeply exhaling, reading this beautiful reflection of your mother and grandmother. I’m so glad even after losing mommy, you were still protected and covered. The grief is painful, but it sounds like you were able to find and hold onto the deep irreplaceable unshakeable love. My heart is so full for you! Thank you again 💗
Reading your words today was like sitting across from someone who truly understands the ache. I’m in the Mother’s Grief Club too, though my path here is winding and complicated. I had a loving mother—warm, giving, devout—the mommy who called me her “sunshine boy” and saw in me something light and divine. I was one of seven in a deeply religious home, and for a long time, I believed her love for me was quietly special. But when I came out— and after years of trying to reshape myself to fit the faith we were raised in—something in our relationship shifted. She grieved as if I had died like her father and sister. And in a way, I think I started grieving too - grieving that my value to her was so connected to only the spiritual programming of her past 7 generations.
Now, with her Alzheimer’s diagnosis slowly rewriting her mind and memories, I’ve come to feel like I’ve lost her twice. And my father mourns not the loss of my body but the version of me that aligned with his eternal hopes. So when you wrote of that aching distance—of seeing yourself as a “stain” on the day, of craving a world where your mother knew you as her full self—I wept. Because I know that hunger. I know what it’s like to want so badly to be seen and embraced as you are, and to live in a world where a nickname, a scent, a memory, is more than just something slipping away.
Thank you for sharing your truth so openly. It helped me feel a little less alone.
Really beautiful, I’m not a member of the grief club yet but I know I’ll be in a dark hole when that day comes. Definitely going to save this piece of art you’ve made here for when I need a piece of comfort! ❤️Thank you!
Wow tears… beautiful beautiful writing