"I don't need to know what happens in your bedroom"

sexual disgust and my messy mission statement.

Happy Messy Monday! A reminder that tonight I’ll be going live with

The Conscious Lee

9p ET/6p PT for another Messy Mondays at Night chat! If you’re new, the intention is to create a joyful space to have thoughtful conversations about our cultural hot topics and issues! Hope to see you!

Now for a little word about the work I do. Recently someone said to me, “I don’t need to know what happens in your bedroom” and I thought it was such an unknowingly telling comment. One that I can’t help but look at through the lens of a Black queer person. I won’t be able to unpack this fully in this post, but let me begin.

1. We see representation of what happens in people’s bedrooms all the time, but they’re mostly white and heterosexual bedrooms. If they are Black or of color, they’re still usually straight. Now some people are going to be prudish no matter what, but there are many who are fine with talking about what goes on in the bedroom as long as it’s something they recognize. Something that centers male heterosexuality. I create a space to talk not just about sex, but pleasure and identity. I center women and queer folx. I’m so used to it, that I forget how uncomfortable that is for people, even those who are women or queer. We’ve been successfully reared to see our own bodies, sex, and pleasure as disgusting, weird, overly complicated, even sinful. So when someone says to me, “I don’t need to know what happens in your bedroom” an alarm bell goes off. I realize that I’m standing in front of a person with some internalized shame and disgust that they’re now projecting onto me

2. I think it’s absolutely important that we know what’s going on in people’s bedrooms. To an extent. I’m not talking about who you’re sleeping with, or the salacious details of an affair. I mean that it’s helpful to know how others navigate or relate to their sex life. What they think, feel, or know about pleasure. It gives us permission to explore our own. Sexuality is in every fashion and beauty campaign! It is the core ingredient of movie posters, and tv shows. Culturally we spend every Winter talking about grey sweatpants, and Summer talking about hoochie shorts. Sex sells. As far as I know, that’s not a phrase that a sex educator came up with, but is certainly a concept that all media trusts implicitly. So if sex sells, why can’t we talk about it? With open hearts, vulnerability, curiosity, and compassion. Why must we keep it for the shadows of after hours? We can plaster Calvin Klein ads of Jeremy Allen White and Bad Bunny all over our city, and drool about them on daytime talk shows. But discussing your turn ons is a step too far? Discussing what brings you pleasure is uncouth? Our culture’s sexual repression coupled with sexual obsession creates a societal state of confusion, but more importantly an internal unrest of shame. And shame doesn’t often lead to the most productive of outcomes.

3. For me, talking about what’s going on in our bedrooms, isn’t for clickbait, shock value, or to upset. It’s to remind each other that we’re not alone. That there is this human thing we are all connected to— the reason we’re all even alive to begin with, literally— and we should be able talk about it. It gives us the chance to have a healthy relationship to it, as opposed to one of self flagellation. It gives us a chance at healing. Talking about it gives us our power and our agency. It gives us our confidence. And if at any point that power or agency was taken from us, being able to talk about it eventually allows us to reclaim it. I believe talking about what goes on in our proverbial bedroom is the most important thing we can do for ourselves, and for those we love. Not just our sexual and romantic partners, but our community, all of whom are trying to figure this shit out too.

4. I recognize that hearing about sex from a Black queer individual can be jarring for some. When you talk about sex on a Black body in our culture, there’s history to contend with. Add queer to it, and there’s even more. But I’m not going to apologize for the conversations I facilitate or how I facilitate them. I want people to feel safe to share openly and transparently. I want them to know there’s compassion on the other side of their admissions. That I see what they share as a sacred offering. Dare I say a Heauxly¹ one.

5. All this leads me to want to reintroduce myself as I periodically do. I want you to know that I’m very proud of the work that I do, and find no shame in talking about what goes on in my bedroom. If it makes someone feel less alone on their journey, then it’s worth it. If you’re new here, some call me messy mom, others call me Brandon or BKG, the day ones call me B. My pronouns are they/them and any others used with respect as my good friend nicHi Douglas says. I talk about sex unabashedly, but really what I talk about is being who you are unapologetically. I do that through having convos and making art about relationships, love, dating, identity, religion, music, fashion, gender, pop culture and a buffet of other things that touch the human experience. I’m a writer and performer. Also a host. But really I love the word “artist.” Sometimes a teacher, but I consider myself more of a teacher’s pet. I’m obsessed with learning. Curiosity, compassion, and joy are my core values. I think kindness is sexy, and laughter is liberating. In anything I do, say, create, or share my intention is to encourage you to be who you are. Like the title of my book says, You Gotta Be You! There’s nothing else in this life to become except who you really are. It’s scary to do that alone though, so if you need a helping hand or just to feel part of a community, then hang with me. I’m goofy, I don’t take myself too seriously, and I’ll imperfectly process the hardest of things. I’m figuring myself out too and I’ll share everything I know and together we can learn the rest. Be it on my podcast Tell Me Something Messy, here on Substack or my stage show #heauxchurch premiering at Ars Nova in New York this Fall. I’m here with you baby. Most importantly I know you are enough as you are, so the only thing you have to be when you’re here is yourself. Your always evolving, ever expanding, beautifully messy self. 💗

6. Here’s my messy mission statement! I’m “Messy” as in human. I reject perfectionism. boxes that never fit me to begin with. hiding myself for your comfort. a closet that would rather see me suffocate than live fully. linear healing. tidy conversations that keep our connections at surface level. standards of beauty that only affirm my beauty when it’s profitable. being silent to maintain relationships with those who don’t see value in my existence. being “normal”. the status quo. people pleasing. and self rejection. I reject It all. I embrace who I am and am becoming. Every messy crevice of it.

I’m grateful you’re here, and part of our messy community!

PS. just in case you haven’t heard it yet today, you are so deeply loved. I love you.

1. Heaux- Someone who commits the liberation of themselves and others by thoughtfully interrogating their relationship to sex using curiosity, communication, and compassion.

To send me questions, comments, or share a messy story please email TellMeSomethingMessy@gmail.com

Find me on Instagram or Threads

Find my book You Gotta Be You at local bookstore, Reparations Club

And in case you haven’t heard it yet today, you are so deeply loved. I love you.