“WHY?” is also a complete sentence
this one is for my people pleasers! inspired by my interview with Lena Waithe! +Substack Livestream tonight!
See you tonight on Substack live, 9p ET/6p PT for Messy Mondays at Night! No guests! Just your Messy Mom!
I was talking to my mentor, friend, and recent podcast guest, Lena Waithe, about how we are often asked to do things, or show up places (professionally and personally) and without thinking we just say “yes!” I learned a hard lesson in 2020, when I was being asked to do many appearances, interviews, while writing a book and holding down a full time job writing on Big Mouth; if *I* don’t say NO, nobody else will. It’s not malicious, or intentional, but as long as I was agreeing to do work, my representatives at the time were willing to keep sending opportunities my way without really considering how I was handling the workload.
During 2020 there was also a boom of talking about mental health, and one of the phrases that I began to see everywhere was, “No is complete sentence.” Sentiments that your “NO” doesn’t need explanation, context, or apology. As I was nearing the end of Summer 2020, and staring burnout square in the eyes, I decided it was time to build my NO muscle. If I were going to continue in my career with my sanity, it was the only way. It was scary, because I was afraid if I started saying NO, there would be nothing to say YES to. But my manager at the time impressed upon me that what you say NO to is even more important than your YES. It’s what crafts the career and life you want. So I took a chance, and decided to address my scarcity mindset, remind myself that if I got this far I’m not falling off now, and the amount of time and effort I’ve put in has earned me the right to say NO.
And baby, my NO muscle has gotten strong. Now, I love to say NO. Once I realized that it protects my energy, strengthens my peace, and makes my YES even more meaningful, I became hooked. And because of the NOs, I had the capacity to show up fully for the YES as opposed to when I would say YES to everything, and started showing up as a mediocre version of myself. But between the YES and NO is another tiny and powerful word. “WHY?” I mean she’s kinda luxurious because she’s a word and a question. A question with the power to transform how we live our lives. Hear me out!
You know that I worship at the altar of curiosity. I love to ask questions. I love to ponder imperfectly as opposed to accepting the status quo. Instead of doing things because I’ve been told I’m supposed to or should. It’s not an act of defiance, but rather a desire for intentionality. When I know the WHY of something, I get to have a choice as to whether or not I engage with it. And the highest currency in this world is choice. Choice is freedom. The freedom to express yourself. The freedom to be who you want to be. The freedom to craft a life that excites you, inspires you, and holds you tenderly. In a world with systems designed to control us, there is no greater pursuit than your freedom. A lot of people have given their lives for that freedom. So the least I can do is honor them by exercising it at every turn.
Admittedly though, asking WHY is challenging. Especially if you are a people pleaser, or a recovering people pleaser like me. It can feel, perhaps, aggressive? Or confrontational? And baby, I don’t like confrontation. I don’t like disappointing people. I don’t like people being mad at me, or thinking that I’m rude. But I have to remind myself, it’s in my head. Those are fears I’m projecting. Anyone who is using me for what I can do, will be upset by me asking WHY. Anyone who cares about my well being, welcomes the WHY. But maybe there’s a bit of us stuck in our childhood. Stuck in our toddler years where we would ask our parents or teachers “WHY” we had to do something, and in their fog of adulthood chaos, they annoyedly, or sternly, or even meanly declared, “BECAUSE I SAID SO!” Now that we are in the fog of our own adulthood chaos, we perhaps preempt being scolded. But a WHY is actually an attempt to dissolve the fog, and mitigate the chaos. It brings back agency into our lives, something we aren’t often granted in our youth. And if we weren’t taught to be free in our youth, how would we know how to be free in our adulthood? Would we we even know that we should be asking, “am I free?” So many of us are following blueprints that our families, communities, and society laid out for us. On one hand there is safety in that. A predictability that we unknowingly find comfort in. But as overwhelming as it can be due to the range of choices you get to partake in, I believe freedom to be who you are is the greatest gift this life has to offer. A gift that many aren’t always able to participate in. There are places where it’s impossible to have choice. My guess is, if you have time to read this Substack, there is a 95% chance that you exist somewhere you get to make choices. You can ask, “why” and not be punished for it. So…WHY aren’t you? That cage you might find yourself in, isn’t a cage at all. It’s your mind, and you are the guard. Let WHY be your key. Turn it baby! Let yourself out! Yes, you will find yourself in an ocean that spans galaxies at first. You’ll have to flap, and flail, as your gills come in. But eventually, you will rule your waters. Tides and storms will come, because that’s life, but you’ll be able to weather through them because you know what your choices are.
If you need permission to not have to please people, here it is. You have full permission to ask WHY and then only participate in the things that make sense for you and the life you’re building.
I love you. You can hear my convo with Lena on the most recent episode of Tell Me Something Messy! Check out the clip below! I also hope you’ll join me tonight for my Substack live show, Messy Mondays at Night for a very special ASK MESSY MOM! 9pm ET/6pm PT! Watch on your Substack app or website.
Asking “why” can lead to understanding, and understanding can lead to change. -Melinda Gates
Why is a question that leads to innovation. Without it, we are stuck with the status quo.-Simon Sinek
Reexamine all you have been told in school or church or in any book, and dismiss whatever insults your own soul. -Walt Whitman
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Just found your pod + substack and obsesssed w you 🥹 best present of pride month fr!!!!
Yes!