what's in your coping kit?
trying not to crash out
I was conducting an interview with Dr. Raquel Martin, and we were talking about how one copes in a time of distress. Among many bits of wisdom that she relayed was the concept of a coping kit. A selection of resources that you have on hand that can help regulate your nervous system.
Being an only child, and having been estranged from my family for the last fifteen years, I think I naturally had to build myself a coping kit, though that’s not what I called it. But there are songs, shows, youtube videos, people, and places that I turn to regularly when I need my brain to settle. When I need my anxiety to quiet down. Between Trump’s first presidency, Covid, writers’ strike, actors’ strike, Los Angeles wildfires evacuations, a second Trump presidency, and my own personal hurdles interwoven throughout, the last few years have been…tough. At times unbearable. My coping kit has become extensive to say the least.
The past few weeks in particular have been a mindfuck as we collectively try to maintain a semblance of normalcy (willingly or not) while an administration wreaks havoc on the most vulnerable communities. I find myself feeling helpless at times. Unable to find the right words. Unsure if my words even matter. Unsure if I’m engaging correctly or appropriately or enough. The voices on social media can seem so loud, so confident, and so clear. It can feel like so many people know exactly what to do, while the rest of us lag behind. Then I have to remind myself, nobody knows what to do, but they are doing something. Filling in where their expertise can serve best. There’s a video I stumbled across from Brittney Elizabeth that so perfectly states what I think more of us need to hear, which is essentially, we are not all meant to fill the same roles in a revolution. And just because you don’t see what someone is doing, doesn’t mean they’re not doing something.
I think often my “unsureness” gets tied up in the queries of “should I be posting about this?”
I’ve spoken about this before, but I learned a lot from 2020 and how surface social media can be when it comes to gauging people’s real commitment to change. Also navigating posting or speaking the way people perceive you should be versus what’s authentic to you. Personally, I’m always having conversations in my real life, but I don’t always engage on the internet because I don’t trust everyone’s intentions. I see a lot of people who wish to be seen doing the work, but don’t actually care about doing the work. I see people fighting and debating each other, or getting on their high horses instead of collaborating to dismantle the real problems.
This morning I woke up to a comment on my Instagram post re: The Grammys, that this person was unfollowing me because I was talking about music instead of what’s happening in the country. At first I replied “thank you for unfollowing.” But I was being petty, and decided to delete and block the person instead. Based on their profile picture the unfollower is a white person. How weird that a white person, outside of the country, thought the best use of their time was to come on the page of a Black, queer, nonbinary artist, and condescend them on a post that was related to their job. Even if it wasn’t related to my job, it’s still a strange approach. In times like these, those who choose to ride their high horse I perceive to be just as dangerous as the hateful administration and devotees alike. If you have time to criticize people who are in endangered communities on social media, then it seems to me you’re not really interested in liberation. Wishing to be seen doing the work and doing the work, are different. If you’re doing the work, your energy has to be focused, intentional, curious, and compassionate.. You know who the enemy is, and it’s not a Black queer artist in Los Angeles.
I, like all of us, are navigating this nightmare as best I can. And for me personally, most of it has to be off social media. When the fires were taking place and social media timelines were flooded with images and videos, it was so clear that for the majority of the world it was content to consume, but for those who lost their homes, or were fleeing from their homes, it’s reality. It’s life. It’s not a 90 second reel, or a perfectly worded Canva quote. It’s a living nightmare. Trump as president, the atrocities happening globally, is a living fucking nightmare. The fact that I can open my phone and witness people’s suffering be served to me as content to comment on is actually vile. I think we can have a little more empathy and humanity for each other as we process what it means to be witnessing and living inside of these global horrors, instead of chastising people for not “speaking”, posting, or revolting the way we believe they should be. This is not a movie. There is no script. People, including our fave celebs, influencers, artists, and activists, are traumatized, distraught, processing, and are figuring out how to navigate it all in real time. It’s so easy to criticize. It takes more of our humanity to hold space for the nuances, the granular, the multiplicity of truths that get to co-exist. But a time like this calls for exactly that. Calls for us to not use the tools of the oppressors–chaos, discord, blame, divide–and instead find ways to unify. To include. To invite people in. To empower people. To see the value in what your community members can offer and remember we are a collective. We do not all need to have the same skills. We do not all need to have the same voice. We do not all need to have the same approach. In fact I believe innovation is what’s needed. And innovation comes from a nurturing of one another during a nightmare, not by becoming the nightmare.
The best way I’ve found for me to not become the nightmare, and retain empathy and humanity, is my coping kit. So below are some of the things I turn to in my hours, days, months, years of need. If you have things you turn to, feel free to throw them in the comments so that others from our c’heauxmmunity can begin or expand their own kits.
Also while I have you, E.R. FIGHTMASTER (Grey’s Anatomy) is on the pod this week, and what a thrill to deep dive into a conversation about small community, Squirtcicles, and genital obsession with a fellow nonbinary they. E.R. was dropping gems, and I really think you’re gonna LOVE this episode! Don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts :)
I love you so much. Now for my coping kit!
Number one amongst them is time with my community! Whether in person or FaceTime or Voice notes. Also cuddles! Now onto the solo stuff. Be prepared, there’s a lot of music in my kit, but also interviews, books, film, and tv. At the very least I hope this list gets you thinking about your own coping kit.
YouTube:
Oprah’s Masterclass: Maya Angelou
Abraham Hicks: Good Morning Rampage (meditation)
Le’Andria Johnson: Never Would Have Made It
Whitney Houston AMA Performance (I Loves You Porgy/And I Am Telling You/I Have Nothing)
Tank and the Bangas: Tiny Desk (the whole performance is stunning, and especially the final song Rollercoaster, begins at 13:46)
Tank and the Bangas SoFar Chicago: You So Dumb
Toni Morrison Interview: American Author
James Baldwin and Nikki Giovanni
Conversation with a Native Son: Maya Angelou and James Baldwin
Forest Retreat- Deep Ethereal Ambient Music
Cynthia Erivo: I’m Here Definitive Version
Cynthia Erivo and Amber Iman “I won’t complain”
Music:
Loosies by Amber Mark (EP)
Frank by Amy Winehouse (album)
Back to Black by Amy Winehouse (album)
The Best of Anita Baker (album)
Never Too Much by Luther Vandross (album)
Linger Awhile by Samara Joy (album)
Intermission by Sasha Keable (album)
Why by Sasha Keable (single)
Velvet Covers by David Michael Wyatt
Be Ok by Samoht (single)
SOS Deluxe: LANA by Sza (album)
Access All Areas by FLO
Where the Butterflies Go by Raveena
Glorious by GloRilla
Oh The Places You’ll Go by Doechii
My 21st Century Symphony (Live at the Royal Albert Hall) by RAYE
Film/TV:
Paris is Burning
First Wives Club
Sister Act 2
Hercules (Disney)
Beyoncé: Homecoming
Wicked: Part 1
Lemonade
Black is King
Live at Roseland: Elements of 4
Destiny’s Child: Live In Atlanta
Whoopi Goldberg: Direct from Broadway
Whoopi Goldberg: Back to Broadway
Ali Wong: Single Lady
Master of None: Thanksgiving Episode (Season 2 episode 8)
The Traitors
The Real Housewives of Atlanta
The Real Housewives of Potomac
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
The Real Housewives of New York (original)
Living Single
Will & Grace
Family Matters
American Dad
Solar Opposites
Midnight Gospel (last episode)
Books:
Wouldn’t Take Nothing for my Journey Now by Maya Angelou
The Alchemist by Paolo Cohelo
The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstien
The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron
Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin
The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion
Black Girl, Call Home by Jasmine Mans
The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
For Small Creatures Such as We by Sasha Sagan
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Let Your Life Speak by Parker J. Palmer
Rest Is Resistance by Tricia Hersey
The Color Purple by Alice WAlker
Misfits by Micahela Cole
The Wisdom of Sundays by Oprah Winfrey
Peace from Broken Pieces by Iyanla Vanzant
To send me questions, comments, or share a messy story please email TellMeSomethingMessy@gmail.com
Find me on Instagram or Threads
Find my book You Gotta Be You at local bookstore, Reparations Club
And in case you haven’t heard it yet today, you are so deeply loved. I love you.
I really love how you talk about inviting others in. I also think that lifting others up is something that has been missing from the broad debate, the 'them and us'... I'm not sure I have the words for it.
I saw a community building talk a long time ago in a mid-west state far away and the speaker talked about shining a light on what we want to see more of. Social media has become so toxic, with people just dumping on each other. Perhaps that's our more usual way of doing things, and anything other than that takes sustained effort? But what do these digs and jibes bring, except a moment of satisfaction?
Thank you for sharing something uplifting, in amidst all this, and in response to such a dig. I love your coping kit, it's definitely galvanised me to collate my own 🙏🏻
I love the concept of documenting this to help with decision fatigue - and thanks for sharing your list, which gives me some new things to check out.