What Happens When You F*ck With A Writer!
A Messy collaboration with Liz Goldwyn of Starf*cker!
Messy Patrons! I am so excited because today is my first collaboration post on Substack! As you know my intention here is to destroy shame around sex! The way I believe we do that is by talking about it. So in these collabs, I ask my fave folx to take my Messy Survey where they can share as much or as little about their own heaux journey! Do you remember our definition of heaux? Someone who commits to the sexual liberation of themselves and others by thoughtfully interrogating their relationship to sex using curiosity, communication, and compassion! Yas, henny! Eat that definition up!
This week, I’m collabing with Liz Goldwyn of Starf*cker! (Obsessed with the title, her posts, and her headshot below!) Liz’s survey responses are gag-worthy, informative, funny, and honest! I love a good storyteller! But before we dive into the survey, a little about Liz, shall we?
is an author, filmmaker, artist and the founder of The Sex Ed, an educational platform dedicated to sex, health, and consciousness. Her books are: Pretty Things: The Last Generation of American Burlesque Queens; Sporting Guide; and Sex, Health & Consciousness. Her latest venture, STARF⭐️CKER, a multi-media autobiographical tale set in Hollywood, is available exclusively on Substack.Alright y’all, let the survey commence!
BKG: On a scale from 0-10 how often do you talk about sex?
LIZ: Probably a 12! But that is mostly because I’ve been researching/writing and talking about sex professionally for most of my life. My first job was as an intern at a Planned Parenthood clinic at 13 which set me on a course to talk about sex as a career. My books—Pretty Things: The Last Generation of American Burlesque Queens; Sporting Guide; and Sex, Health & Consciousness.—are all about sex, in different facets— burlesque and striptease in the early 20th century; sex work in the 19th century and most recently, Sex, health & consciousness in the 21st century. I’m a geek when it comes to talking about sex… I’m less likely to be talking about my personal sex life and more likely to be talking to everyone from a sex worker to a religious leader to a celebrity about the topic.
BKG: Growing up, who was your sex symbol or sexual awakening?
LIZ: I was an endlessly curious kid who had an insatiable need for more information than was deemed “age appropriate.” I was especially fascinated by this mysterious word, “sex” that grownups talked about in hushed tones. But no one would or could explain to me what exactly it was, what it meant and why everyone was both obsessed by and secretive (ashamed) about it.
In elementary school I figured out where my Dad stashed his porn mags at home and orchestrated a play date with the cutest boy in my class to look at Playboy together. I took him to my secret hiding place in our backyard, tucked away from prying eyes and pulled out a centerfold. He freaked out and I put the magazine away, embarrassed. Later, we went out for ice cream and ran into two other boys from our class. They made fun of us for being on a “date” and asked me if I’d gotten my “pee-red” yet.
I was always confused and curious about how the press covered the sex lives and sexuality of celebrities/ people I saw on TV as it told me a lot about how we (America) viewed the subject. When I’d go with my Dad on his business trips to New York as a kid, I would be left alone in a hotel room while he was doing movie biz stuff and I'd watch Robin Byrd’s public access show which was mind blowing for me as a 9 year old. Also I was obsessed with Pee Wee Herman (Paul Rubens) and I remember being so devastated when he was publicly shamed for masturbating in a porn theater and everyone turned against him. I recall asking my mother what a “sex change” (gender transitioning) was when I was around the same age. She told me about the tennis player Renee Richards, who had transitioned from male to female and became a transgender activist after she fought to compete in the 1976 U.S. Open, paving the way for a landmark New York Supreme Court ruling in her favor. My parents——as liberated as they might have thought they were—never sat me down to have a one-on-one “sex talk” that covered more intimate questions like: When should I lose my virginity? Would it hurt? How would I know if I was in love? Would that hurt? Was it normal to masturbate?
I was also intrigued by sex workers, Madams and courtesans. I think my earliest knowledge of sex work came from watching a TV movie about the infamous Mayflower Madam story, starring Candice Bergen as “businesswoman” Sydney Biddle Barrows who profited off a high profile escort service based in Manhattan. I was perplexed by what I saw as a double standard when it came to sex work— for example, the Hugh Grant/ Divine Brown case. A movie star (Hugh Grant) was arrested for soliciting SW Divine Brown back in 1995. Hugh paid a $1,180 fine, was placed on two years probation and had to complete an AIDS education class. He also had a momentary public embarrassment and minor career dent (from which he swiftly recovered.) As for Divine? She also paid a fine of $1,150 (for parole violations) , attended an AIDS education class, five days of community service and was sentenced to 180 days in jail. It is interesting that years later, barely anyone thinks “Hugh Grant'' and remembers this story—he was allowed to move past the transgression (“boys will be boys,” right?) But once a SW, that stain remains forever imprinted. It’s definitely all these childhood memories that made me write books about the lives of burlesque queens and sex workers.
As far as early personal sex symbols— Mae West and Madonna in the Like A Virgin era.
BKG: Who taught you about sex, if anyone?
LIZ: Definitely not my parents! I always sought out information and education about sex— from the media and resource library I had access to at Planned Parenthood but also from X rated magazines/porn/ etc and a natural curiosity about anything that adults deemed “deviant” or “taboo.”
BKG: What’s a song that gets you in the mood?
LIZ: We made a fun community generated playlist for The Sex Ed called Songs To Fuck To but my own playlist tends to be hip hop or R&B flavored — N.W.A. Id Rather Fuck You; Digital Underground Freaks of the Industry; any Al Green; Omar Apollo…
BKG: What do you wish you knew about sex, that you know now?
LIZ: That practice makes perfect; that energetic bonds through penetration take a while to clear and to be conscious of who and what I let into my body and energetic field.
BKG: What is something related to sex that you still want to learn or try?
LIZ: I want to have a mind-expanding orgasm with someone who has done as much breath work and pelvic floor practice & control as I have…but who doesn’t take themselves too seriously and isn’t a spiritual fuckboi self appointed sex coach living in Bali!
BKG: What’s your best sex, dating, or relationship tip/advice?
LIZ: Love yourself and fuck yourself the hardest and best so the bar is set to not accept crumbs! Also to practice radical communication and honesty in all relationships and to cultivate intimacy in all relationships— not just romantic ones.
BKG: Tell me something messy! (This can be a story of your own, or one you heard about a messy sex, dating, or relationship situation)
LIZ: All sex is messy! We are humans and awkward and sex comes with fluids and noises so it’s never going to be perfect like the movies but that is part of what makes it so fun.
I told a story on the Whoreible Decisions podcast about getting a condom stuck up my cervix — twice!— with the same guy very early in our long term relationship and being in the bathroom trying to claw that fucking thing out of me, literally drawing blood and having an anxiety attack about him having to take me to the ER to get it out where I’d be shamed for being this expert with a sex ed company. As for a messy relationship situation— it was with that same guy. Years after I broke up with him, he convinced me to give him another shot “you’re the one, I want to wife you up, blah blah blah” and after a couple months I discovered that he was secretly paying 28 different sugar babies he’d met on Seeking Arrangements! I had a pretty savage way of letting him know I found out which I’m going to write all about in an upcoming installment of STARF⭐️CKER— that’s what happens when you fuck with a writer.
For more Liz, check out STARF⭐️CKER and podcast The Sex Ed
To send me questions, comments, or share a messy story please email TellMeSomethingMessy@gmail.com
Find me on Instagram or Threads
Find my book You Gotta Be You at local bookstore, Reparations Club
And in case you haven’t heard it yet today, you are so deeply loved. I love you.
Thoroughly enjoyed this!
Ok, what a hook at the end. Can't wait to hear THIS story! fuck with a writer and find out!