thirty-eight that up! a messy BKGday!
"Disruptive Curiosity" and the eight things I’ve learned in the last year! Plus my bday photo shoot!
Hi! It’s my birthday! I’m a Taurus headliner baby, closing out the season in my birthday suit! I’ve stopped throwing parties to celebrate, and instead I opted to create some art. So I reached out to one my favorite artists, Travis Chantar, and asked to do a queer ass shoot. I was transparent that I didn’t have a clear vision, and honestly just wanted to play around with a photographer I admire. I knew I wanted the shoot to exude masculine/feminine energies and body-ody-ody . As the great poet Beyoncé once said, “if you got it, flaunt it, boy I know you want it.” Well…do you?…Want it?
I have more photos to share but first in celebration of turning 38 (holy shit!) and officially being grown-grown, here are 8 things I learned in the last year.
What you say “No” to is equally— if not more important— than what you say “Yes” to. Being able to know what I don’t want to do, where I don’t want to be, (even who I don’t want to see, tea) has been grounding. It’s brought so much peace, and made the things I say “yes” to, that much sweeter.
Tell people you love them often. Sometimes in the pursuit of goals, you may not be able to be present for all the things you’d like, may not always get to see the people you love, but you can still tell people you love them. You can still check on them. And it matters. It means something to their heart and yours. Yes, being there in person is ideal, but a DM, text message, FaceTime, also has the power to light up a heart.
As long as you’re putting in the work, be delusional about your dreams. Doubt will come, but you tell that bitch to munch on rocks. If the dream on your heart is what makes you happy, then follow that happiness. Let yourself dream. Stop talking yourself out of it before you even begin pursuing it. You don’t have to know all the details of how you’ll get there. Let the steps reveal themselves to you. Check in with your heart often, “does this make me happy? Is this what I want?” You got one life. You’ll never regret making it a happy one.
Allow your dreams to change or morph. When something isn’t working don’t keep doing the same shit. Be an innovator. Consider pulling at the thread of your dreams and see if there’s something gained in the unraveling. Another lane, another possibility, another version. An expansion. A bigger dream.
You do better work when you’re rested. That’s just tea. Everything doesn’t have to get done today. Other people’s urgency is not your emergency. Sit your ass down. In fact, lay your ass down. Take a nap, go to bed early, unplug. You’ll be sharper, smarter, and successful for it.
Commit to intentional solo time in the morning before the day begins. Whether it’s to journal, have a smoothie, pull tarot, or all three—intentional time to check in with and take care of your heart makes it more possible to do so when conflict arises. AND build a coping kit. Life is hard, creating an intentional list of things, activities, and people you can rely on to help you feel better or support when dark clouds appear, is life saving.
Kindness is everywhere. I experience kindness all day. When I commit to being kind, patient, not taking things personal, giving a breath before responding, asking questions instead of making assumptions, I find that the world reflects those things back. As much aggression exists on our phones and in the world, there’s also so much kindness.
Curiosity will transform your life. Over the years people have asked me how I’ve become so comfortable being myself, being messy, being liberated. I’ve always given tips and encouragement but didn’t have a succinct answer. But as I’ve been on Substack for the last year, building the podcast, and fleshing out musings around a book, I finally see the clear thread. It’s not sex, it’s not Black queerness, it’s not even messiness. It’s curiosity. But not just any kind of curiosity. It’s the curiosity that asks about the quiet things out loud. Curiosity that questions the norms. That challenges the status quo. Curiosity that believes in healing. Curiosity that has compassion. Curiosity that gives grace. Curiosity that doesn’t need perfect answers but radical processing. I call it disruptive curiosity. I define it as asking intentional questions to interrupt the personal habits, generational cycles, and internal narratives preventing us from living liberated lives. One of the first disruptively curious questions I asked myself was “Who would I be if society never got its hands on me?” The pursuit of answering that questions has transformed my life. I looked at myself in the mirror the other day, with all my flaws, failures, dreams, shortcomings, accomplishments, exhaustion, fears, hopes, and saw that I had become who a young version of me desired to be. I had finally come home to myself. Comfortable in all of who I am, because I know what it is. I’ve asked and continue to ask the questions. No matter how hard. I say the quiet parts out loud. Disruptive curiosity gave me back the autonomy to build my life as I wanted instead of what I thought it should be. What I thought would make me happy. I discovered what actually makes me happy. And while my life is far from perfect (obvi will always be messy), I wear my scars like gold medals.
It’s also my Substack anniversary! One year of being on this platform and I’m grateful you’re here with me! Now time for more photos. Some of them are a dick print heavy, so it’ll be behind the paywall at the end of this post. I know this your email honey! I do want to say, photo shoots is one of the tools I’ve used over the last six years to reclaim and redefine what I find beautiful. Handpicking photographers, coming up with concepts, BEING LIT well, heals me every single time. I grew up being told everything about me was ugly. Dark skin, big nose, fem energy. And for so much of my life I believed those dumb ass people. Baby I remember being told by an industry person I wasn’t attractive enough to ever play a love interest. Which didn’t bother me from a career perspective because the male lead was always so boring to me, but of course it chipped at my self-esteem. My self-worth. Like girl, you ain’t have to tell me you don’t think I’m attractive to my face! I mistook other people’s standards of beauty as a measuring stick for my worth. Planning these shoots over the years gave me back the measuring stick. Gave me back my power. If you’re struggling to see your beauty, and have the means, find a photographer (or honestly a dope friend with a good camera on their phone) and go take pictures. I’ve told the story of shooting a film back in 2019 playing a character who was far more confident than I was at that point in time. It cracked something open in me—a curiosity to see if I could feel as good about myself, as that character felt about themself. In all the Black queer glory. So on one of my off days I decided to set up my little camera timer and take some photos in front of the sunlight pouring into my room. I looked at the results and audibly said, “oh, there you are!” I was 32 the first time I finally saw myself. Not just externally, but internally too. All the things that make up me. Over the years I’ve continued to push myself in what my photos could look like. Wanting to create a non-binary pin up fantasy. Images that a younger version of myself would have stared at and known it was okay to exist. This shoot is a declaration that I exist. Thank you to Travis Chantar for his artistry, thoughtfulness, and care. Hope you enjoy!
Also, I love you so much. xoxo
Service your happiness first and everything that matters will fill in around it.- Abraham Hicks
Re-examine all you have been told in school or church or in any book, and dismiss whatever insults your soul. -Walt Whitman
Don’t try to lessen yourself for the world. Let the world catch up to you.-Beyoncé
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