sex isn't about penetration...

it's about pleasure!

Jan 28, 2025

person holding yellow banana fruit — Photo by Deon Black on Unsplash

Today on Messy Mondays, someone wrote in saying they’re pregnant, and on their doctor’s orders, there is to be no penetration, but she and her husband are finding ways to be creative!

I replied saying I loved that, because sex is not just about penetration! Then another Messy Patron wrote in asking me and our c’heauxmmunity to help them come up with other things to do “besides penetrative sex and eating holes.”

First of all, I love and value curiosity! So thank you to this Messy Patron for asking such an important question. I’ll share some things I like, and I hope if any of you have additions you’ll add them to the comments, or email me at TellMeSomethingMessy@gmail.com and I’ll compile a Masterheaux List.

Let me start off by expressing that the narrow definition of penis/dildo in a hole as the definition of “sex” is so limiting and also false. But understandable that most of us would hold it as true. It’s what media, our families, and even a our “sex-ed classes” taught us. I put “sex-ed classes” in quotes, because if you’re like me your sex-ed class was about abstinence and/or how to put on a condom. But nothing about pleasure, communication, or even consent. On my heaux journey there’s so much I’ve had to unlearn and redefine. Most importantly among them, is that sex is quite expansive and there are many activities that the definition holds. AND the things that many might call “foreplay” are very much play-play. It’s very much sex. Sex is not about penetration, but rather it’s about pleasure and co-creating an experience. If you and your partner(s) have plateaued in your sex life (which baby, it happens!) then let’s revitalize it with a little expansion!

Now listen, ain’t nothing wrong with penetration if that’s your vibe. Lord knows I love it. Whether I’m topping or bottoming, penetrative sex (with the right partners) takes me to heights of euphoria that inspire poetry. But on a practical level, I don’t always feel like locking myself in the bathroom tryna get the water run clear. (IYKYK) I also don’t always feel like thrusting, lifting, and dicking someone down. But I still want pleasure. I still want sex. Thankfully I have partners who also understand that sex isn’t only about penetration, so we are able to reach heights in the bedroom that if I’m being honest, have at times been far more intimate and even more orgasmic than penetration. And like I said, I’m a girlie who LOVES penetration! So truly, I’m not advocating for you to take penetration off the table, but simply to loosen your definition of the things you classify as sex. Consider not racing to, or relying on penetration just because it’s what you know. Your body has so much more to offer! And trust me, engaging with the other offerings will only make penetration that much more satisfying if you decide to go there.

Below are some of my personal faves. As always take what you need, take what’s useful, leave the rest. And again, if you have additions, leave them in the comments or send me an email. Also might I suggest reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski! It will help you begin to ask more questions about your body, wants, and desires. You can also check her out on the pod!

MESSY MOM’S NON-PEN LIST

Make out and then some! Seems obvious but please do not underestimate a good ole fashioned make out session. Your beautiful face hole deserves attention, so why not fuck each other’s mouths with your wet tongues. (That sentence is wild, but you understand.) Put on a sensual playlist, and lay in bed or on the couch fully clothed. Get comfy though. Straddle each other, or lay side by side. Allow your bodies to fall into one another. Softly and sensually rub each other as you kiss. Rub each other’s back, stroke of the hair (I love when a partner plays with my beard), hold their butt. You could rub and tease genitals, but do it over the clothes. It’s a wonderful way to edge and build up that sexual energy. Of course you can do the exact same thing naked. This isn’t about getting to penetration, but simply enjoying the build of learning and being entwined with each other's bodies. Intimacy breeds pleasure. (That word choice was intentional, honey!) When’s the last time you intentionally made out for like twenty or thirty minutes? Try it, I promise more than your tongues will be wet!

Play with sensitive spots (other than genitals). My nipples are quite sensitive (especially the pierced one), so a partner spending time finding ways to sensually play with them can bring me to new heights of pleasure. In a play session a few weeks ago, I discovered I have a high pain tolerance for my nipples to be pinched or bitten. Long sustained contact is my favorite. It makes my toes curl, and my dick stand at ultimate attention. Perhaps your partner loves a tongue in their ear. Loves having their pits smelled. Loves having their lower back rubbed. Find that one spot (you can ask them or discover it with them if they don’t know) and explore ways to play with it. Kissing, licking, rubbing, blowing, sucking, tapping, pinching, biting. Don’t just do it for a minute or two, see if you can bring them to a climax playing with one or two of their sensitive spots. I once had a session where all I did was stroke my partner while sucking and squeezing his nipples. Occasionally making out with him. Let’s just say it looked like I took a bath in some vanilla frosting! (sidebar: should I be writing “smut?!” would y’all read?!)

Temperature play! If you’ve never heard of this, it involves using heat or cold to stimulate the body during sex. Have you ever put an ice cube in your mouth and dragged it along your partner's back, chest, inner thigh? It may not be for everyone, but don’t knock it til you try it. Of course as with everything, you want to check in with your partner first, making sure it’s something they might enjoy. Baby, don’t just be dropping an ice cube on someone! Also, it’s a good idea to have a safe word in case something is too cold or hot. I also enjoy a little wax from a MASSAGE candle. My love, don’t be using them regular ass candles from Marshalls! Massage candles are designed for play. The wax turns into an oil that you can then rub onto your partner. There are also metal and glass sex toys that you can put in the fridge or warming pouch. Bellesa has a great temperature 101 article if you’re curious to learn more!

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Speaking of massage candles, I don’t know who needs to hear this, but a massage can be sex. At least for me it can be. Honestly, a massage can be better than sex! A full body massage is great, but also where is your partner holding the most tension? Is it their low back, their neck, their feet. Give that spot all the attention. Also, might I suggest playing with your genitals while your partner massages you. Baby, you wanna talk about sexy! I get so turned on massaging a partner and watching him get hard, while I continue to massage around it, maybe even softly grazing my hand by it, but leaving it throbbing. *smirks*

Masturbate for your partner. Nothing like sitting on a chair in the corner of the room while your partner plays with themself on the bed. Of course you can set this scenario up in so many ways. Perhaps you’re both masturbating, It could be one of you masturbating, while the other watches. Could be both of you masturbating. Could be next to each other, or have distance between you. You might even play with telling your partner how you want them to touch themself, or how to pose for you. Doing it in front of a mirror is also very hot if you’re into watching yourself.

Slow dance naked. Have you ever taken your clothes off, put on a little Sade or Sasha Keable, wrapped your arms around your partner’s waist and danced as your chests and genitals are caressing. Bun (one of my partners) loves to stand on top of my feet while we do it, and since I have a bit of a foot fetish, it drives me wild.

if you’re enjoying the mess, feel free to share with a messy bestie!

Of course there are so many other ways, and advanced ways. But the above list is an intro. Something you can hopefully try right away without having to purchase a bunch of things, or feel like you’re stepping way out of your comfort zone. As we walk down a path of sexual liberation, it’s more than okay to go slow. It’s not a sprint, so you can take your time. Figure out what you’re comfortable with, and what guardrails you’d like to push.

In all of this, don’t be afraid to ask your partner (as Karamo taught us on the pod a few weeks ago), “Do you like that?” “Does that feel good?” “What do you want more of?” Remember being a heaux is all about curiosity, COMMUNICATION, and compassion. And if sex is about pleasure, then pleasure comes from exploration. Your body is a pleasure playground, and I’m sure there are so many hidden pleasure points you’ve yet to discover. Taking the focus off penetration gives you an opportunity to find them. Allows you to build a heauxcabulary with your partner which will become that much more valuable should you decide to have penetrative sex. Now, my partner can touch a particular part of my neck or hand, and my body will have an orgasmic like tremor. It’s absolutely wild and also exciting. My body has become a keyboard for him and he’s learned and continues to learn exactly where to press for my body to elicit a pleasure response. Not only does it make us feel closer, but I feel so empowered knowing more of what I like and want.

It’s worth repeating, ask your partner questions. Stay curious. Make it fun to explore. The more information you have about each other the more pleasure you can co-create together!

Happy fucking!

And if you have more non-penetrative ideas, add them in the comments or email TellMeSomethingMessy@gmail.com

sex isn't about penetration...

it's about pleasure!

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