Sex isn’t just about putting my dick in a wet hole for a couple pumps, and then rolling over to scroll TikTok. No shade, if that’s your vibe, but I always want sex to be an experience. I always want to show up as the best partner and lover I can be, even if I’m in a bathroom fucking someone I met two minutes ago on the dance floor. I think to do that, involves preparation. Yes baby, there are things you can do to prepare for a night of sex that can make it far more pleasurable for you and your partner. Whether you’re an experienced heaux, or a novice, below are a smattering of tips and tricks from me and a few of my heaux friends, to help you begin thinking about what YOU might need to set yourself up for sexcess! Some are obvious, others so simple it’s easy to forget how impactful they actually are. As my writing mentor once said to me, “Take what you need. Take what’s useful. And leave the rest.” In no particular order…
Trim your nails.
Baby, I said what I said! Now this may not be for everyone, cuz I know some of y’all be rocking the most fabulous nails. BUT if you have intentions of fingering any holes, you need to trim those fingernails. And also, your toes nails. Don’t be out here cutting up somebody’s achilles with that sharp ass pinky toe. Often times those who identify as men may be less conscious about their nails, so on behalf of those of us whose holes you covet, please PLEASE trim your nails. The way this man fingered me one time with untrimmed nails, slicing and dicing my guts.
Baby! No, thank you!
Bring water.
Sex is a cardiovascular activity. And we must always stay hydrated during cardio. Of course if you’re going to someone’s place they will be able to offer you water, but honestly I prefer to bring my IRON FLASK water bottle because I can throw it on the bed or on the floor and not worry about spilling. Also the straw makes it easy to sip in the middle of any position. Listen, I’m a doll who likes long sessions, so water is of the utmost importance. She’s an athlete! A gold medalist in the heauxlympics!
Pick a playlist ahead of time
Especially if the person(s) are coming to your place, just save time and pick a playlist. Most of the time when I ask someone what they want to hear, it’s like asking your partner or roommate what they want to watch on tv. You can spend half of your time debating, which can interrupt the sexy vibes. I have a few playlists you can choose from on Spotify if you need help. Everyone’s music taste is different, but in my opinion you can never go wrong with some Victoria Monet, SiR, or throw it back to Ms. Jackson, if you’re nasty. On Spotify or Apple Music, you can also pick an artist or song, and create a radio station of similar vibes. Between us dolls, I prefer Spotify’s radio stations more. Apple be getting chaotic on me sometimes! Like why is Kacey Musgraves on my Beyoncé radio station. Fix it Jesus.
Stretch
Depending on how old you are, you might laugh at this. One of my besties, a 33 year old, looks at me with a stank ass side-eye when I suggest he stretch. But baby, I know his time is coming. As the body ages, it gets stiff, and unless you’re putting in the work to keep it nice and supple, you should expect to snap, crackle, and pop. If you’re not in a regular yoga class or don’t have a regular stretch routine, consider building one and watch your sex skyrocket. Listen, I will never be able to do a middle split on someone’s dick (goals, tho) but you better believe the limbs are warmed up enough to throw you around (or be thrown around.) If you’re looking for a good resource, my barber turned me on to Nike’s FREE training app (unrelated to sex, we were just bonding over general life stretching). They have different classes that can range from a couple minutes to half-hour. I really like this seven minute hip opener. Regardless of if you’re getting ready for sex, I can’t stress enough the importance of stretching. You’ll thank me!
Bring a lube you like, just in case.
If you’re going to someone’s spot, you can always ask if they need you to bring anything. But I have a travel size of lube just in case because humans are human, and they might have forgotten they needed to stop by the sex shop. Also if you’re going out to a party and a spontaneous hook up occurs in the alleyway, someone’s car, or even back at their place–you’re gonna be thankful you have that sticky icky on you. No need to spend money on a “travel size” lube. Buy the big pump and then get one of those airplane travel cases from your local drug store, and refill that. My go-to lubes are the silicone ones by GoodParts and Gun Oil. Water based lubes are wonderful for vulva owners, and definitely if you’re going to be using toys.
Share location with friends
I know most of you probably know this already, but it’s worth repeating. Share your location with friends. If there’s one or two friends you’re comfortable sharing it with “indefinitely” then do it. You won’t have to worry about turning it on and off. Also, my friends and I will message each other saying, “I’m meeting up with a new person, check in with me by x time.” Safety is of the utmost importance. Sex is a beautiful thing, but some people suck. If you arrive somewhere and the vibes feel off then…
…Trust your gut!
You can unpack the details later. But trust your gut and leave their home, or that party, or that club. It may not always be about feeling in danger, but simply that the the energy of the space isn’t in alignment with your own. I did an IG live last year with one of my favorite polyamorous influencers @remodledlove and she said about a party she once attended, “this is my space, but not my people.” You might be somewhere that on paper is what you want, but the people or the values are not aligned with yours. There’s no judgment to be made, and nothing wrong. You don’t owe anyone sex. You have the right to change your mind at any point. Even if someone is inside you or you’re inside someone. If it doesn’t feel right, for whatever reason, trust your gut, and bounce.
Gas-X
Speaking of guts, if yours is acting up, especially after you anally douched, I like to have a gas-x to settle the stomach and reduce whatever inflammation I’m feeling from all the water I’ve been pushing up and out. One of my besties turned me onto this tip and I’m forever grateful. Heauxz helping heauxz!
Moisturize
Your skin is gonna be touching someone else’s skin. Give them something soft to lay on. Put on some lotion, or body oil. I’m gonna offer you a tip I learned in my early twenties. After you get out of the shower, dry off but not completely. Stay a little moist (not damp) and then rub your favorite lotion in. Mine is Aveeno. If you know me, you know I have an Aveeno household, honey! If you wanna really step your soft skin game up with a little shimmer, then add a body oil after. I recommend Head to Toe Glow by Alo. Also, when I shower, in addition to scrubbing down with a washcloth, I use the African bath sponge, which is an exfoliant cloth that you can use daily. Baby, your skin is gonna be like BUTTER! .
Lip Balm
Moisturizing also applies to your lips babe! Keep some aquaphor, vaseline, or another favorite close by. I prefer something unflavored, as I don’t know the other person’s allergies, flavor likes or dislikes. I love making out, and remember sex is cardiovascular, so you’re gonna need to hydrate your body and your lips. Don’t be cutting your partner’s lips with that dead skin. And if you struggle with dry lips in general, consider increasing your daily water intake. Ouwee, I really am a mother, huh?
Open that hole up
For those being penetrated, sometimes we can be incredibly tight (not a bad thing), but it’s helpful to use a little toy before your date to assist in some of the work of opening up. You don’t need to use your biggest dildo or plug for this. Whatever is comfy. I’ll usually do this in the shower, after I’m all cleaned up. Using a water based lube, I’ll insert my dildo in and out a few times, and then finish rinsing off. Another heaux friend of mine, prefers to walk around his apartment with a butt plug in, because as he says, it helps remind him to breathe. That actually reminds me of another tip.
Walk around post douching
If you’re preparing to take dick in the booty, you’re likely going to douche first. Now we can do a (w)hole post on douching. But my messy besties and I agree, after you douche, walk around a little bit, it’ll help move any excess water that still needs to come out OR any fudge that might still need to come out. Lol, “fudge”.
Aftercare
After all that cardio, you gotta refuel. So what’s your aftercare routine? As in, how do you take care of yourself after all is said and done. Could be one thing, or many. Personally I love to cuddle for a little. Also after an orgasm, food tastes INCREDIBLE. I like to have a lollipop on hand (that’s not food, I know), chocolate chip cookies (my fave are Levain Bakery), perhaps Pizza or a double cheeseburger. Especially if I was bottoming, there’s nothing more satisfying than something carby and cheesy. Also a shower (or at the very least washing my dick and hole) followed by moisturizing. I’ll use vitamin E (I get mine from Trader Joe’s) which is known for protecting skin from damage (I actually do this at least once a day after a shower, regardless of sex). One of my messy besties likes to use Preparation-H to reduce inflammation and counteract any micro fissures that may have happened.
Okay my loves, that’s what I got for now. I’m curious about what some of your tips might be. Feel free to leave in the comments!
Also, in case you haven’t heard it yet today, you know what I’m bout to say! You are so deeply loved! I love you.
-BKG aka Messy Mother