One of my besties was invited to perform at London Pride and asked if I’d be their plus one. Another bestie was planning on going to Madrid Pride, which is the week after London. But, was also thinking about going to London Pride as well. And before you knew it, a gay girls trip was being planned. So, I’m about to spend two weeks in Europe being an incredibly proud messy mom! My liver is shaking. My hole is twitching. My brain is racing. Like I’m really about to take my heauxing abroad. An international heaux? And I get to write about it. What is life?!
Up until my solo trip to Amsterdam last October, I hadn’t been out of the country since a study abroad program in college. For a good chunk of years out of college and well into my early thirties, it was because I didn’t have the finances. For the last little while, it’s been an unconscious fear. Both around spending money “practically” and feeling like I can’t miss work. So to satiate that fear, I work harder and harder, to make money, to work harder, to make money. Doing the same routine day in and day out, collecting work credits and direct deposits along the way, but not enough life. Not enough experience. This unchecked core belief that it wasn’t okay to unplug was something I’ve been wanting to unlearn.
About a little over a year ago, I read Rest Is Resistance. When I tell you Tricia Hersey is preaching gospel! I think everyone, especially those who are constantly working (whether that’s in an office and/or taking care of the home), should read this. I grew up in a household where women ran shit. Where they were mother, father, provider, protector, mentor, friend, sister, neighbor, boss, employee, colleague, etc. etc. The things they accomplished as Black women, as immigrants, is nothing short of phenomenal. And yet a quiet theme I always overheard in their conversations was the need to “do it all.” Sometimes the want to do it all. And doing it all is exhausting. But rest, in a Caribbean household is not a thing. Rest was seen as lazy. As frivolous. As wasting time. I absolutely love and appreciate how Tricia introduces rest as a means to live. As a means to resist a culture that would feed you beliefs that you don’t deserve to take a fuckin nap. Life is hard, and if we’re to thrive (not just survive), rest can’t be an afterthought. It must be baked into how we build our life. Must is a strong word perhaps, but I feel strongly about it.
One of my friends has a schedule that would make you weep from exhaustion just hearing it. But he also commits to his vacations. Knowing that his calendar is booked months well in advance, he’ll include trips in his scheduling. Some longer, some shorter, but he will take the time to make all the arrangements at the top of the season, and then when the dates come, he goes. He rests. That doesn’t quite work for me, and may not work for you either, but my takeaway is, schedule your rest if you have to! I’ve learned that if you don’t, there’s a high likelihood it won’t happen.
For me, I will block out several evenings a week in my calendar.
(Reminds me I need to wish Oliver a happy birthday! And also yes baby, you see that 24-hour time. I’m ready to be in Europe, talking about it’s 20 o’clock!)
There’s nothing planned in those “Block” times. And there doesn’t have to be. It’s just my time. I commit to everything in my calendar whether it’s work, friends, or doctor’s appointment so putting the blocks in my calendar was a way to trick me into committing to myself. I’ve learned over the last year of intentionally scheduling blocks that my evening on the couch is just as valuable as all the other things in my cal. In fact that evening on the couch, pouring back into myself, allows me to show up better in the other areas of my life. Of course I can move those times around if needed, but the point is not to. The point is to set aside time for yourself and commit to it. Obvi, we all won’t be able to rest equally, because our lives are set up differently. The amount of rest often depends on who is dependent on you, and what the circumstances of your life are. But whatever your rest looks like, just know you deserve it. You have more than earned it. You are worthy of it.
We all know I’m a Messy Mom who loves to talk about sex, but it’s because I believe sex liberates self. Talking about sex is a means to talk about our humanity. When I really get down to the core of my heaux journey, it’s not about giving blow jobs or determining which scented candle turns me on the most (though these things are important.) It’s about the unlearning. About digging up the core beliefs that got buried in me while sleeping in my crib, during recess on the playground, sitting in church on Sunday mornings, hanging with the theater kids in college, and gently interrogating them. Some of what’s been planted is beautiful, and some are weeds that have infested the garden of Brandon. Lol, that phrasing makes me think of The Garden of Eden. I’m not religious, but I do think we should all tend to the garden of who we are like a religion. Keep what serves you, and literally dump the rest. There’s a Walt Whitman quote I love that says, Re-examine all you have been told in school, or church, or in any book, and dismiss whatever insults your own soul.
So that’s what I’m doing. Scared as I am to be gone for two and a half weeks, I’m giving myself the chance to learn about balance. Going to let myself learn that your world won’t burn down if you take a little time for yourself. I’m also going to experience how this version of my heaux self–one that is very clear about my pleasures and values—shows up in queer spaces that aren’t my home base. There’s something spiritual about it for me. Allowing my Black body to experience worlds outside of America. Of course I know anti-Blackness is global, but America really has a certain hold on the market. I’m excited to let it go. To learn about myself. To spend time with my queer girlies. To savor an experience of Black queer travel with queer besties, that my teenage self couldn’t have even fathomed. I know it will be healing, and I’ll be sure to report back!
If there are places you think I should check out while I’m in London or Madrid, please leave in the comments. And if you see me in the streets, say hi!
To send me questions, comments, or share a messy story please email TellMeSomethingMessy@gmail.com
Find me on Instagram or Threads
Find my book You Gotta Be You at local bookstore: Reparations Club
And in case you haven’t heard it yet today, you are so deeply loved. I love you.
You have to go to Brixton! I’m from London and it’s a wonderful place full of Black British culture. The food is incredible and is usually African or Caribbean. There are several places in Brixton Market to have fun in, but my favourite place to eat is a Caribbean restaurant called Turtle Bay. Get the curried goat if you go there! I’ve been told by my American friends that it’s similar to Brooklyn